Time
by Slayergirl
Summary: Set during and after season 14, 'Bloodlines'. Nikki's POV on Harry's death, and the aftermath. Rated for the character deaths  all of them canon , and minor language peccadilloes. Harry/Nikki, naturally.


**Time**

**(Later than you think)**

Every drop of blood seemed to freeze in her veins. Her stomach churned. There was a roaring in her ears, however calmly she responded to Leo. The tears didn't come until she'd hung up, but when they came, the full force of her grief hit her, sobs wracking her body until she was sick, body fluctuating wildly between burning heat and shaking chills. She cried herself to sleep, knowing that time had run out. There was nothing to wait for any more. _I thought there was time…_

She got up early the next day, and with icy calm checked every airline for available flights, checking and cross-referencing times and prices with her usual efficiency. There was a late flight that morning; she booked it. Nothing to wait for, after all. And she needed, more than anything, to see Leo. She heard, again and again in her head, Leo's words, telling her the one thing she'd hoped never to hear. But she wouldn't cry, not in public. Icy-calm and composed, she got through security, got through the flight, and managed not to hit the obnoxious policeman who had no idea how to handle a sensitive situation. Tears escaped her, but they were blotted by Leo's shoulder, so nobody saw. And for that, she was grateful. Nobody saw the tears in the taxi, nobody saw the tears on Leo's shoulder, and nobody, nobody saw her fall apart after Leo's phonecall.

Sitting in the hotel room, she finally talked about it to Leo. "You always thought we'd be together, didn't you?" she asked him quietly. "Me and Harry. That's what everyone thought… that one day we'd come to our senses." She knew her voice was shaking, that she was as close to tears as she could be without them spilling over.

"Is that what _you_ thought?" he asked her, heart going out to her. It was true; he _had_ thought that they'd get together at some point, that it was inevitable that once they'd got their flings out of the way, they'd settle down together.

Tears trickled down her face. "I thought there'd be time… to know…"

"It's always later than you think."

Harry's death still didn't seem entirely real… as if he'd just gone MIA, but would pop up again soon. Even hearing the news, seeing it on the television, didn't make it seem any more real, though the grief that welled up inside her every minute of the day was real enough. It unnerved her and angered her that they were being watched, and it was with deep unease that she made her way to the memorial to meet Leo. What was going on – did he think the room was bugged, or something? Did he want to talk to her somewhere they couldn't be seen, where nobody knew to watch them?

She sat down, waiting. So, if Leo wanted to meet her here, where the hell was he? It spooked her, being in an unknown place, not knowing if she was being watched.

"_Nikki!"_

She turned at the sound of Leo's voice, getting up and going to the doorway, and halted, seeing the figure behind him, confusion kicking in. She backed away, turned, ran, leaving an equally confused Leo behind her. Footfalls followed her, an arm caught her from behind and wrapped around her shoulders, and she clutched with both hands at the arm, sobbing, hardly daring to look round, in case, somehow, she'd been mistaken. _Oh, God, let it be him, please God, let it be him, say this has just been some terrible mistake…_

Finally she turned, feeling the familiar scrape of stubble against her forehead, and leaned her head back enough that their foreheads touched, sobs redoubling in intensity, and she buried her head on his shoulder, crying as he held her, the strength of his arms surrounding her in a way that she thought was gone forever. She stayed like that in his arms, sobbing, for what seemed like an eternity, feeling him stroke her hair, kiss her temple, his cheek resting against her forehead as he cradled her there like a child.

Finally, Leo urged them both inside, where nobody would see them, and reluctantly they let go of each other. She understood why he'd done it – not that it really made it any easier – but she accepted his explanation. Perhaps she shouldn't have told him about Anna's pregnancy, but he'd known she wouldn't lie to him or hide the truth from him, and she was devastated when he wanted to carry on trying to find the truth. Devastated, but not surprised; that was Harry all over. She went after him; at least, this time, she was determined to say goodbye, and pressed her forehead to his face, her hand on his waist. Not quite a hug, but somehow more intimate, and she knew, as he pressed his cheek to hers for a moment, it was a promise, not a goodbye – that he'd see her again, when all this was over. She was worried, for sure, sick with worry, but she knew she had to let him go.

She was relieved when it was all over, when everything was cleared up, Harry's name cleared, all the confusion cleared, and they were on their way home. She smiled tentatively at Leo when he quietly checked the seat number of her ticket, and gently took it from her, substituting it for his own, saying that, as the most senior person in the team, he bagged the window seat, there were not going to be any arguments about it, and he just wanted to sleep, thank you very much, after all that worrying about Harry. So she took his place, sitting between him and Harry, and squeezed first Leo's hand, then Harry's, feeling reassured when both squeezed back. She couldn't be sure if Leo was faking being asleep or not, but she was grateful for his gesture, and snuggled willingly against Harry when he wrapped an arm around her.

"We really thought you were dead," she said quietly, forcing back down the grief that she knew was pointless now, but still had the power to make bile rise in her throat whenever she thought about losing him.

He rested his cheek against the top of her head. "I know. I'm sorry I had to put you through that, but I needed more time…"

"It's always later than you think," she whispered, repeating Leo's words, a single tear trickling down her face. "I always thought there was more time…"

He kissed her forehead gently. "You're not making any sense, Niks," he said softly. "Go to sleep, if you can. There'll be time to talk when we're home."

She wanted to argue, but she knew he was right; and in any case, he was still grieving for Anna, for their dead child, and she couldn't bring herself to intrude on that. She wondered, though, if there would ever be a 'right' time.

It was several weeks later that she got her answer. He'd come in, and sat down at his desk, looking thoughtful.

"I thought you had the day off?" she asked, wondering why he was in.

"Mm. I took Marina to meet her little girl."

"How did it go?"

"She didn't go through with it. The little girl clearly didn't know she was adopted, and was happy, and Marina figured that… well, she was happy, why destroy that happiness? She can always find Marina when she's older, when she's old enough to understand. It just… wasn't the right time, I suppose."

"It's always later than you think," she murmured.

He looked at her, puzzled. "You said that on the plane, too."

"Yeah, it was something Leo said to me, after… when we thought you were dead."

He looked at her steadily. "And you thought you'd run out of time?"

"Yes."

Her reply was a little clipped, terse, and normally he'd have taken it as a sign that the conversation was over. Instead, he walked over to her desk and perched on the edge of it, taking her hands in his. "Time for what?"

She stared at their hands as Harry rubbed her palm soothingly with his thumb, hardly daring to look at him. Finally, she looked up at him. "I… can't," she blurted out.

A slight smile appeared, and he asked softly, "need more time, do you, Niks?"

She swallowed. "That's not fair," she whispered.

"Life's not fair," he countered. "But it's there for the living, for the taking. Maybe there's never enough time. Maybe Marina will run out of time before Alice – Ildiko – manages to find her. Maybe they'll both run out of time, because they didn't take this opportunity. Maybe that opportunity will never come round again." He squeezed her hands gently. "Maybe it's never a good time, but maybe you just have to take opportunities as and when they arise. Now, what did you want the time for?"

"To tell you… to tell you… God, I can't do this," she muttered.

"I think you have to," he replied. "Otherwise… you might live to regret not doing it. As you did when you spoke to Leo."

"Has Leo… said something to you?" she asked cautiously.

"He might have said something, vaguely, in passing, about how upset you were. Nothing that I couldn't tell from seeing you at the memorial."

"Oh."

"So…?" he prompted. "Come on, tell me." He tucked a stray curl of hair behind her ear. "Niks, Anna left it too late to tell me about the baby – perhaps she thought she had more time, too. Leo was right, sometimes it's later than you think. Maybe the time doesn't seem right, but you can't be sure you'll get another opportunity that's better, can you? So tell me."

"It's just… what if it's already too late?"

He stroked her cheek gently with his thumb. "We're still alive, aren't we?" At the look of pain on her face, he hauled her up out of the chair, into his arms. "Niks, I'm sorry…"

"I thought you were dead, _I thought you were dead!_" she practically screamed at him, the grief threatening to rise up and choke her once again. "Jesus _Christ_, Harry, I thought you were dead, I thought… I thought…" He held her as she sobbed into his shirt. "I thought I'd never see you again, I thought I'd never be able to run to you for a hug, I'd never feel your arms around me again, I'd never be able to drink wine round your flat with you on a Friday night, I'd never… I'd never…" she choked a little, and he pulled her closer. "Nothing seemed to matter any more," she whispered, all the fight suddenly going out of her, as she slumped against him, tears running down her face. "Nothing else seemed to matter. All I could think of was that you were gone, I'd never see you again, and all I wanted was to run into your arms and… and…"

"And…?" He realised that these were things he hadn't thought about Anna when she'd died; perhaps Marina was right, that as much as anything, it wasn't grief that had spurred him on, but a guilty conscience. He'd loved Anna, in his way, but not in the all-consuming way he thought love should be - the way that Nikki loved him. And losing Anna and their child, seeing Marina walk away from her daughter for the sake of her happiness, made him realise that he was in danger of losing more than Anna and the baby if he didn't take this opportunity - that he'd lose the opportunity itself. And he realised that he might not always have time, or another opportunity, to make things work with Nikki.

She shook her head. "I can deal with anything if you're there. I…"

"Just say it, Nikki."

She quailed. "But if I do…"

"I know, you're worried about how I'll take it. You're worried about how what happened with Anna is affecting me. You're worried about how it'll be working together if you tell me."

"You already know?"

"I figured it out. Now, will you please just say it, before Leo gets back from lunch and walks in on us?"

She bit her lip, but the mix of humour and exasperation in Harry's voice gave her the spur she needed. "I always thought… there'd be time for… something to happen between us. You know, that… maybe… some day we would… I don't know, that we…"

"I know. Believe me, I know." He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, and got up, snagging his jacket from the back of his chair.

Nikki cursed inwardly. "Where are you going?" she asked him, alarmed, wondering if he was upset.

He halted, mid-way through putting his jacket on. "Me? I'm not going anywhere. Leo's about to come back from lunch, which means you'll be going on lunch, right? So _we_ are going to get something to eat, because neither of us has eaten yet."

Relief hit her. "Oh!"

He grinned, and motioned to her jacket, slung carelessly on the back of her chair. "Get your coat, love, you've pulled," he teased her, as Leo walked through the door.

"About time, too," murmured their boss affectionately to himself as they went out of the door, laughing, Harry's arm protectively wrapped around Nikki's waist. Perhaps, just this once, things would work out for them. _Let it work out for them,_ he thought to himself as he watched them from the open window of his office, relief for his colleagues tinged with something bittersweet as he thought of Theresa and Cassandra. _It's always later than you think. You can never know if you really have more time..._


End file.
